How to Set Boundaries as a Surrogate (and Why It Matters)
Becoming a surrogate is a generous and life-changing decision. Along the way, you’ll form connections with intended parents, agencies, medical teams, and your own support system. But while surrogacy is collaborative, it’s also important to remember that you have a voice—and setting boundaries is key to a healthy journey.
Why Boundaries Are Important
Surrogacy is an intimate process, and it’s natural for people—whether intended parents, relatives, or even coworkers—to ask questions or want to be involved. Boundaries create:
Respect – They ensure your needs are valued just as much as the intended parents’.
Clarity – They set expectations for communication, visits, and involvement.
Emotional well-being – Boundaries protect your mental health and reduce stress during the journey.
Common Boundaries Surrogates Set
Every surrogate’s comfort level is different, but here are some examples of boundaries you may want to consider:
Communication Boundaries
How often do you want to check in with intended parents? Do you prefer daily texts, weekly updates, or only scheduled calls? Setting this early prevents misunderstandings.Medical Boundaries
You are the one undergoing treatment and carrying the pregnancy. You have the right to make decisions about your medical care in consultation with your doctor, while also valuing the intended parent's opinions. There can be a happy balance!Family Boundaries
Your partner, children, and relatives may have questions or want involvement. Decide in advance what you’ll share with them—and what you’ll keep private.Privacy Boundaries
You may love sharing your journey on social media—or you may prefer to keep it offline. Either way, it’s important to talk with your intended parents about how much can be shared publicly.
How to Communicate Boundaries Effectively
Setting boundaries doesn’t have to feel harsh—it’s about honesty and respect. Here are a few tips:
Be clear early. Talk about expectations during the matching process or contract phase.
Use “I” statements. For example: “I feel more comfortable with weekly updates,” or “I prefer not to share ultrasound images on social media.”
Stay consistent. Once you’ve set a boundary, stick to it.
Lean on your agency or coordinator. If conversations feel uncomfortable, your agency can help mediate.
Boundaries = Stronger Relationships
Many surrogates worry that setting boundaries will push people away. In reality, the opposite is usually true. Clear boundaries help build trust and respect between surrogates and intended parents, making the journey smoother and more positive for everyone involved.
Surrogacy is a shared experience, but it’s still your body and your journey. By setting and communicating boundaries, you protect your well-being while creating space for a healthy, respectful partnership with intended parents.
At Surrogacy Mentor, we empower surrogates to set boundaries and advocate for themselves—because your comfort and confidence matter every step of the way.
Curious about starting your journey? Take our 2-Minute Surrogacy Quiz to see if you qualify and learn more about how we support surrogates like you.
